So often parents think praise, rewards, and punishments work; yet, what is sometimes overlooked is that it only works for a short period of time and it does not allow a child to consider how his or her actions affect their experience.
As children develop, self-love can become increasingly challenging to attain when this form of parenting is used. The end result can turn into disconnection and long-term adverse effects for emotional well-being in adulthood.
There are many aspects to this parenting style that create disconnection. Statistics show that the more recent advice from conventional books and experts suggesting techniques, such as timeouts with the “naughty chair” or even what is considered “positive” rewards for compliance, can be just as detrimental to the child’s well-being as spanking or hitting.
Researchers are discovering that fear-based and intimidating parenting approaches merely give a short-term resolution. Like using a spare tire for your at (as Pam Leo describes in her book), it is truly just a “quick fix” – a temporary compliance which can create disconnection and long-term harm to not only the parent/child bond but for the child’s development, as well.
Authoritarian parenting has been in the forefront for many families, and recycled parenting patterns have inflicted disconnection for generations. The effects of trauma and disconnection that we had as children will reflect in the way we see and move through the world as adults. When these traumas are not recognized and given the opportunity and tools to heal, the patterns trickle down into how we parent our own children and the cycle continues.
Do you recall swearing to yourself that you would never be like your parents? Only to wake up one morning to the realization that you have indeed become your worst nightmare – you have become your parents! Does this sound familiar?
Okay, maybe not every person has disagreed with how they were parented and actually came from an unconditionally loving home; but more so than not, people have been raised in a somewhat dysfunctional upbringing.