Often times in a split family dynamic, there are various roles that contribute to conflict when addressing the different parenting techniques. This is compounded when there are one or even two additional “parenting” figures that interact with the children on a regular basis.
From the perspective of the stepparent it can be confusing what their role is to be. Some stepparents take on all aspects of the primary parent role from driving the children to their school and extracurricular activates to discipline. This is often with the consent over their spouse. However this tends to cause resentment and conflict with the other parent who is not their spouse.
In a court case that I was involved in the litigation, the stepmother insisted on the child calling her “Mom.” This stepmother took it a step further and insisted that the child also call his biological mother by her first name or when telling others who his mother was, to reference her as “his biological mother.” This of course is an extreme violation by a stepparent. The most challenging part about being a stepparent is not crossing the imaginary “boundary line” to which so many parents and stepparents disagree on.
So where is the boundary line? Well this is a great discussion area for the child’s parents to exercise coParenting and not leave it to a judge to make the decision. Using good coParenting tools will allow the parents to setup some boundaries and even ideally have the stepparent be able to communicate with the other parent when the stepparents’ spouse is unavailable.
Opening up a candid discussion regarding the “boundary lines” prevents the stepparent from intentionally or unintentionally crossing those lines. I represented a child in a custody case where the stepmother attended a parent-teacher conference. The stepmother was very involved in the child’s classroom as a room parent and felt it was integral that she attend. Of course the mother of the child was infuriated when she showed up to the parent teacher conference and her ex-husband and his wife were there. The mother later contacted the father to have a discussion and indicated that just because she worked and that the stepmother could volunteer in the classroom didn’t not give her a parental right to attend meetings when the mother could attend.
Ultimately the father agreed and they began to have a candid discussion of how involved the stepmother should be without encroaching on mother parenting rights. Although these examples are about stepmothers, I have often seen stepfathers who would like that their stepson play the sport they played while growing up. It’s great that a stepfather wants to get involved, but just as with the examples above, that stepfather should address it first with the child’s father.
As with all childrearing, communication is an integral to making sure that everyone that is a parental figure in a child’s life is on the same page on all issues. Blended families can be a gift to a child. It often opens them up to other cultures and other points of views. As long as everyone can see the benefit and keep the focus on the child and not on broken relationships versus new ones, the child will grow into a content adult.